Inside My Head {diff title inside}
by rixi
Summary: Faith POV. Faith thinks about life, the scoobies and the outside world.


Title: That finished in a different place than it started out in.  
  
Author: rixi  
  
Disclaimer: I own only the plot.  
  
Rating: PG-13, for language and implied slash.  
  
Shipping: Faith  
  
Summary: Faith POV. Faith's thoughts about life, scoobies and the outside world.  
  
Spoilers: Season 6.  
  
Feedback: rixi_87@hotmail.com  
  
There isn't a possibility; doubt in my mind that this stupid butterfly feeling in my gut isn't love. And that's hard for me to admit, 'cause you know. It's me: Faith. I don't show emotion; I don't even think about emotions. Except hate, anger and all the other negative feelings you can think of. I never would've ended up here in jail if that fake Watcher, erm. Mrs Post. Yeah, if Mrs Post hadn't fed me that bullshit about Buffy and her secret meetings then I wouldn't have become pushing away girl. I mean it was totally obvious that the redhead and Xander wanted me to fit in. Eventually Buffy did too but that was after I isolated her from her "Scooby-gang". I liked Buffy's friends. I did! They were cool and, I guess that's why I feel so crappy about what I did to them.  
  
As much as I want to say I boinked Xander 'cause I thought he was cute; I kinda just did it because, despite the wolf, it was obvious the redhead loved him. And I thought they were excluding me, and plus Buffy was and, I guess still is best friends with her so I kinda wanted to hurt her. And I still can't think of a good enough reason why. Because, no, I don't love the witch. I just, I guess I got a kick out of it. Now I'm disgusted with myself but, I have to admit, I took great pleasure in watching Willow's sadness. It gave me a buzz. I wish so much that u could take back what I did but, wishes don't come true. Well, wishes with good intentions don't.  
  
But I have rapidly come far away from the pointy-ness of my point. The yucky love feelings people like me don't have that I do have: if you followed that. I never thought of myself as gay. I don't like the label and ok, I have to admit, I do appreciate a woman's body. But I would've rather taken stick if it was available, and it usually was, but yeah, I've been with a woman, but it was strictly for the pleasure principal. And I have never been in love before. I used to think of it as a weakness. Something those fucking neck-biters could use against you. To me, love was as evil as vampires. But now, it's happened to me. Me! Faith! I have fallen in love. And with a woman, no less. Yeah, you already guessed it was Buffy.  
  
I been in here a year or two now; and I'm still considered as a newbie. Yet they all know not to mess with me. It took me a while before fighting back, I couldn't have given in to my instincts: I would've killed them. And once again I have slipped away from my point. You can see how weak- minded I am.  
  
I knew I loved Miss Summers when I slept with army boy. Riley I think his name is. When he said, "I love you" it made me sick. I don't know why but it made me realise that I loved her too, I guess. The way her nose crinkles when she laughs. I always remember her nose. It sticks out in my memories and dreams. That sounds bad, I don't mean sticks out as in, "Wow, look at that hooter!" But I can always remember her nose. I think it must be my favourite part of her face. I know Buffy isn't perfect. I mean, I know she can be a self-centred and stuck up bitch, but she's a Slayer. She deserves to be so every now and again.  
  
I know you wouldn't believe it but Willow writes me every once in a while. Not that she likes me, she said she felt I ought to know what was going on so I didn't feel lost when I got out. That made me smile. Because she didn't say if, she said when. She keeps telling me that she hates me, and I'm fine with that but she forgets every other letter. And she hasn't given up hope, or on me. Her last letter revealed something very interesting. My hearts desire has been sleeping with Spike. I remember making him want her when I was here. That was fun.  
  
Of course, this was during Willows' mad evil kick. She tried to recruit me. Scary huh. It tore me up that did. I was so mean to that poor girl, and now she's dead and I never got to say sorry to her face-to-face. And Joyce too. I never apologised to her before she pegged it about beating her up. I hope I get out of her to do so for Willow, Xander and of course, Buffy. I don't give a shit about the Watcher. I haven't got time anymore, ok, I've never had time for them but after what they did to B when she was me. Spitting on her and shit. Now that pisses me off. I mean, all you had to do was look at her, or me, or whatever. Just a look and you would've known it weren't me. I had that mad and evil glint in Buffy's eyes whereas she was all innocence in me. I find it fucking hilarious that someone who didn't even know Buffy knew I wasn't her. That girl had brains; it's a real shame she got shot. If I had been out, I would've ended up in here anyway. And I would've at least tried to stop Willow going all evil. I know Red hates me, but, even after everything, I feel like she's my friend. I like the girl. Sure, I love B, and Angel visits but Red writes. I haven't had friend before. Not really. The feelings of friendship may not be reciprocated but I still think, I dunno, I like her. She writes me and I write her. It is kind of like a friendship, ain't it? Anyway, I'd do anything for Will, and for B. Not Xander though. I want to apologise but that's it. That boy is some pussy-whipped shit. He knew nothing, you know what I'm talking 'bout.  
  
I'm gonna get out of here and I'm gonna prove to them that I can be good. I know I don't have to be B to be appreciated now. All I gotta do is keep people alive, save some heartbeats and I'm a white hat. I never wanted anything more than to be a white hat. I don't even want acceptance, approval, appreciation, love or friendship as much as I want to be one of the good guys. I'm gonna prove every fucking one of 'em wrong. They all think I ain't ever gonna be good., but I'm gonna prove them wrong. I'm gonna kick them in the ass and show them they ain't Mary fucking Poppins. They ain't all good. Willow proved that when she killed out of grief. B don't ever have to know about my feelings for her, and I have to be honest, I don't want her to know 'cause I'm kinda ashamed of my feelings. But B will know, as will her gang, that I can, will and have changed. I'm not evil. I do have the makings of a good person and I'm gonna use them. 


End file.
